I was always taught to research, speak to your sources and find the truth. I’ve only spoken to one and their story is never consistent.
To some my actions may seem crazy, but to those that know the truth, they side with me, and know that writing this down helps (thanks for the advice, loves). I first wrote about the confusion in my December post. Today, the feelings keep coming back.
I find myself down most of the day thinking about everything, wishing things were different. I’ve thought twice about writing this post, but writing has always helped me heal since I was 10, so why change that now?
There was a time I would wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how gorgeous I am. Now, I feel like crap even when I get dressed up. My perception of beauty has changed. But why you ask? Because the person I love finds owl-looking women to be attractive.
No seriously, he does!
Here’s the truth I’ve kept a secret for far too long (a year): He almost cheated.
Something told me to check his phone one night. And thank God I did. There was a text from that owl-looking woman. This was right after her birthday weekend – Jan. 2013 – which on that night she tried throwing herself on him and told him to buy her a certain purse, obviously she was wasted – Source: their texts.
Oh, and it didn’t stop there.
The next day they sent texts back and forth about what she said and how wasted she was. During their conversation they mentioned how they were both attracted to each other but how “his current situation” which was me being pregnant, wasn’t going to allow things to happen between them. Although “things” did happen while he and I were just dating back in the summer of 2012.
The sad part in all this is that she’s a mother to a beautiful little girl and claims to be madly in love with her boyfriend.
Why it bothers me today
There’s not a day that passes by that I don’t think about what happened and how I felt when I found out. When something like this happens it makes you question things, hold a grudge, etc. I’m currently in the process of healing myself — I just can’t seem to pass stage one: crying.
I love this guy with all my heart, and love is enough to keep a relationship strong, but the most important love is the love of oneself. I have to reteach myself how to love me in order to fall in love with him again. It will take time.. not sure how much, but I’m willing to stick this through.
Man, I feel so much better writing this down. A great piece to add to the healing process.
‘Til next time, loves…