Dec 242013

Tears of Sadness Turned to Joy Motherhood through my eyes

I’ve been writing this post in my head all morning. Waking up at 5am to think of everything that has happened this year — and how fast. The speed at which everything has happened can really make you rethink your life.

It’s Christmas eve and my youngest brother’s birthday so it should be one of the happiest days of my life. Even more so now that I have a family of my own. But is it?

Lying awake in bed, I kept replaying thoughts of what I’ve always wanted, not for Christmas, but in life. I’ve always dreamed of a family, dog included — two kids, tops! Everyone who knows me knows I’m happy, but there’s a sadness I keep thinking of.

I don’t know if I’ll ever really let it go, but I want to. There are so many thoughts I wish I had the answer, but even those I have the answer to, I still question.

I cried sitting at the dinning room table this morning after making coffee and letting Rocky out. I was just thinking, wishing I could let things go. I didn’t want to think of things anymore so I took a shower, head to toe, so I wouldn’t see the tears fall.

Jeff had woken up when I got to the bedroom, said Sebastian was hungry. I nursed the little one, still having these thoughts. I felt my eyes fill up with tears. I don’t know if Jeff saw me, but he reached over and held by hand. I caressed his, let the tears fall and told myself to leave whatever was bothering me behind because these thoughts could only hurt us.

I know Jeff loves me and genuinely cares, but there’s moments I wish I could erase from the beginning as well as the answers to questions I didn’t have to know.

Holding Jeff’s hand made me feel at ease. I changed my thoughts to us, present day. No longer thinking of the past, I remembered that every couple goes through something that makes them stronger. That’s what it was… I just have to keep telling myself that.

Always remember that you’re your own therapist, and if things get out of hand, discuss it out loud, if you must. You’re not crazy, just sorting your thoughts. 😉

‘Til tomorrow folks!

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